I like to say that BDSM can be therapeutic, but it isn’t therapy. I encourage everyone who is seeing me regularly to find community in the BDSM scene as well as a kink positive therapist. Having a kink aware therapist can be super helpful in processing and integrating what comes up during an intense BDSM scene.
Sadly, finding a kink positive therapist and someone who is knowledgeable and competent about the BDSM scene isn’t the easiest task. There are many barriers to finding a kink friendly therapist. It can be difficult to explain what BDSM is to a well-intentioned (but uneducated) therapist. Worse, some therapists incorrectly conflate BDSM and D/s relationships with abuse.
If you are seeking mental health services, you deserve a mental health provider who is knowledgeable and competent about your relationship dynamics and BDSM.
Often, it isn’t until we are in crisis that we seek out the help of a mental health professional. If you are able, ask for help from your community, friends, partner, family, etc. It can make the process of finding a BDSM friendly therapist easier. Sometimes just having someone to take a little bit off of your plate helps a lot, especially when you are feeling overwhelmed.
Having worked as a care coordinator helping sex workers access competent mental health services with PERSIST, I want to share a few tips I’ve learned that might help folks seeing mental health care right now, especially those looking to find a BDSM friendly therapist. The advice below is relevant to folks seeking sex worker competent or polyamory competent therapists, too.
BDSM Therapy Research
I suggest researching 5-15 therapists you are interested in working with. I start by emailing therapists to assess the fit. (You might wind up with only 1-2 responses.)
To source BDSM therapist options, you can check out websites like Manhattan Alternative or Queer Healers.
You can also use ZocDoc with an LGBTQ search filter. Not all LGBTQ therapists are kink friendly or sex worker competent, but I have found that they are significantly more likely to have experience working with patients with these experiences. If you’re not sure if they have experience working with kinky clients, I highly recommend asking something like, “Do you have experience working with clients who engage in BDSM?”
A lot of therapists have a web presence, but are not taking new clients or seeing people on a sliding scale basis, so sending to a handful of options means you are more likely to get a response.
Remember: you are interviewing the therapist to see how good of a fit they are for you.
Try not to get too discouraged in the beginning… it can be hard to find a good therapist! The system is not designed to make it easy.
Here is a rough draft of what I’ve found most effective when reaching out to kink aware therapists. The initial email should help you weed out anyone who wouldn’t be a good fit for you and the BDSM lifestyle.
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 1: Who are you?
Share a few things about yourself that you think are important for your future therapist to know!
Example: Hi! My name is (Blunt). I am a (queer), (chronically ill), (sex working) (woman).
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 2: What are you looking for?
Example: I am interested in finding a therapist for (number)x week therapy. Right now, I am looking for online sessions with the opportunity for in-person work in (city). I would love to work with a therapist who is (sex work), (trans), (BDSM), ____________, and ____________ affirming.
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 3: Who is your ideal therapist?
This is where you can share what qualities and characteristics your ideal therapist has. Are you looking for a kink friendly therapist? This is the place to mention that or inquire about their experience.
Example: My ideal therapist is familiar with (transformative justice) and (cognitive behavioral therapy). Someone who understands (the complex lived experiences and narratives of sex work) and is (BDSM affirming). I would like to work with a therapist who is a (queer woman). Do you have experience working kinky clients?
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 4: What’s your past experience with therapy?
This is where you can talk about any previous therapy experiences or why you are reaching out to a therapist for the first time now.
Example: In the past, therapy has (not felt effective) because (x), (y), and (z). I am reaching out now because ____________________.
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 5: What’s your insurance situation and budget?
There are so many barriers to getting competent mental health care, BDSM friendly or otherwise. Not all therapists take insurance, and a lot of people don’t have access to insurance.
If you have insurance, you can do searches on ZocDoc to see who takes your plan.
If you don’t have insurance or your insurance doesn’t adequately cover therapy, I suggest inquiring about sliding scale options and letting potential therapists know approximately what your monthly therapy budget or your income is. Being upfront about your budget or need for sliding scale can reduce a lot of back and forth.
Example: I am looking for a therapist who takes _____________ insurance or is willing to work with me on a sliding scale. I make around $(x) a month.
BDSM Therapy Outreach Part 6: Sign off and send.
When I’m helping someone find a BDSM affirming therapist, I suggest bcc’ing 5-15 therapists and waiting around a week to hear responses. Usually comprehensive inquiries get quicker responses with less back and forth, so be thorough.
Example: Please let me know if you might have space in your practice for me. If so, I would like to set up a time to talk about our fit or set up an initial consultation!
I hope that you found this BDSM therapy guide helpful in finding a kink affirming therapist. You deserve competent mental health care!
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