Mistress Eva and Mistress Blunt get together to talk high protocol training, how to navigate 24/7 D/s relationships, and the vulnerability in dominance.
Danielle Blunt:
Hello. My name is Danielle Blunt. I am a professional dominatrix based largely out of New York City. I’ve been working as a prodomme for around 12 years since I was 18 or 19. I’m really excited to be here today with Mistress Eva. Would you introduce yourself?
Mistress Eva:
Hello. Thank you for having me. It’s always wonderful to share space and time with you, even within the confines of-
Danielle Blunt:
Our screen.
Mistress Eva:
I’m Mistress Eva. I am mostly based in Bali, but I float around the world also doing professional domination. I’ve been doing it for maybe about 10 years now. I also have an online platform called youwillpleaseme.com in addition to my offline shenanigans.
Danielle Blunt:
I love calling it shenanigans. What are your favorite types of shenanigans?
Mistress Eva:
My favorite types of shenanigans are instilling fear and gathering the charge of emotions that come from triggering. That’s my absolute favorite shenanigan.
Danielle Blunt:
We love shenanigans here.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah.
Danielle Blunt:
That’s so funny. I feel like something that we have in common is that both of us prioritize longer-term D/s relationships. I’m sure instilling fear into the hearts and the lives of your submissives is part of how you navigate D/s relationships. But I would love if you could talk a little bit about what D/s relationships mean to you, how you found them or were gravitated towards them and what that looks like in your life.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. The both of us, it’s a professional endeavor, but it’s also how we run a lot of our private dynamics. I didn’t realize that there was a title for that until I found the job actually along the way, just living my normal vanilla life.
Danielle Blunt:
Hard limit.
Mistress Eva:
I had mild suggestions based upon my personality type that this role, this archetype of a dominatrix might be something interesting, worthwhile pursuing. But until I decided to actually look it up and jump into a dungeon, I had no idea what a dominant and a submissive relationship could look like, what that even meant. Even within a session context, I had to learn from nothing. But it was great. I had to slowly integrate it. I was so thrilled when I first found the dynamic and that it had a space, the things that I was doing naturally and that I tried to restrain in the world had a space. It was such a thrill that I dove right in and totally messed with my energy levels also at the very beginning.
But over time, I’ve been able to figure out what dynamic suit, to take my time to see who that person is and how that suits me. But in general, how I like to run my long-term is I tend to have slightly different categories. Some are more sexual, some are not. A lot of them are very service-based, which is definitely my favorite. There’s a very clear hierarchy. There’s a lot of protocol. I do all of that very naturally just because of how I prefer to communicate. That’s my sweet, little happy place. Know your place. Be big enough to move with me in the world.
Danielle Blunt:
That’s such a big one.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. Understand that you need to listen.
Danielle Blunt:
I love that. I think what you said about like, “Be big enough to move with me in the world,” is something that resonates a lot in my practice. I have no interest in dominating someone who can’t keep up with me or who’s just a sniffling mess or just is submissive to everyone. I’m like, “I want you to have done some work on yourself so you understand your submission.” I’m happy to work on that with folks. But the people that I really connect with understand the submissive component of their personality makeup and want to offer that to me rather than it just being how they move through the world, letting people walk all over them, or not standing up for themselves.
It’s also something that came fairly naturally to me. I’ve had some of the language for it when I was younger. I dressed up as a dominatrix for Halloween when I was 16. I borrowed a pair of leather boots that I later found out were my mom’s. That was lovely to find out. But I was always asked when I was younger, it was like, “Why do you feel so comfortable asking for what you want?” My response, very not sarcastically at all, was like, “Why wouldn’t someone want to give me what I wanted?” I mean that in a very much like, “If someone cares about me and wants to please me, why would they not want explicit instructions on how to do that?”
It was thrown back at me as if this personality trait is unbecoming or not very ladylike or all of these different negative stereotypes of what it looks like when women embody their power and can articulate what their desires are. From a very early age, I was like… and that’s how I got the name Blunt. I’ve since refined my craft, but I was told that I just would tell people things before they were ready to hear it and it would just break them emotionally. Now I do that in the context of a consensual power dynamic within a scene. But it’s always been about truth and honesty for me have been at the core of my D/s and like, “Why wouldn’t you want to know something about yourself that someone else sees?”
Mistress Eva:
Because people don’t admit these things to themselves because they’re terrified, they don’t want to change, they have an illusion of who they are, it’s much more comfortable. So many things. I know that-
Danielle Blunt:
It sounds so boring, though.
Mistress Eva:
Both you and I like to cut through the bullshit and make sure that… For me, it just makes people much easier to relate to when they can understand those things about themselves. It’s just so much more easeful, and I much prefer that.
Danielle Blunt:
And honest. I very much describe my domination style, especially when playing with humiliation, as holding up a mirror to someone. It’s like, “What’s more humiliating than being seen or being yourself or being perceived for who you are when you strip away all of the extraneous things that you’ve used to mask yourself?”
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. It’s extreme vulnerability. I talk about fear and we talk about stripping away of ego, but essentially, for me, I enjoy it because I walk around through the world as I am. I take on critique very easily. I’m in a vulnerable state. As powerful as it seems to be and as much force as there seems to be in how I can ask for things be, I am essentially quite a vulnerable person. My heart is very open. When I don’t see that in the people who come towards me, I break it so that I can. It’s a way for me to actually connect with somebody. Why is it just feels like irrelevant, unnecessary? Just why am I using my time and my energy with somebody who’s not giving back to me? It’s a very great strategy and technique to do that from a D/s perspective, I believe.
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah. It’s so interesting when you’re talking about… I had this visual of you ripping into someone’s heart. Like, “I know it’s in there somewhere.” Corporal scenes, it’s one of my favorite spots to hit or flog. I feel like it unlocks so much in people having this very vulnerable part of them physically touched. There’s both the emotional component of how we hide ourselves or how we hunch or we’re always on our phone and just not open and breathing expansively into who we are and how we want to be in relation with others.
I like what you’re talking about of the vulnerability of dominance. I feel like it’s something that’s not talked about enough. I think that there is something very vulnerable of fully inhabiting and embodying your desires, whether they’re from a submissive or a dominant perspective. I’m curious about that vulnerability. Let me see how to phrase this question. I feel like as a top, aftercare for tops isn’t something that’s talked about as much as for submissives or the idea that a top will walk away from a scene where their body hasn’t been physically manipulated in any capacity and not need care. I’m wondering, in what ways do your vulnerability to be cared for feel good for you in that capacity?
Mistress Eva:
I think last year was an incredible illustration of it. I think when I do session-based stuff… I’ll come back to that and it can be quite particular. But last year, that support came in ways that I didn’t understand that was possible. I have a core group. I would say four or five people who I’m always seeing, always in touch with.
Last year, I went through a divorce and it was very isolating in a lot of ways. They really showed up for me. They were keeping in touch in a respectful way. They were asking if I needed anything. They were taking their time with how they’re communicating with me. They could recognize my shifts. They would try to support me through my shifts. They were so watchful, actually. I really appreciated that they could be there for my process and not burden me also with how worried they were or are.
Danielle Blunt:
Right.
Mistress Eva:
Once they’ve seen me lift, the last few months especially, then the communication about what was happening comes through. I’m very grateful for how healthy my relationships are.
Danielle Blunt:
It’s a big thing.
Mistress Eva:
It’s a lovely support network. That’s how they’ve been there for me in a big capacity. Then when it comes to play and the intensity of time together and the intensity of high-level protocol and corporal especially, and the drops that all of us drop into, what do I appreciate? I think my thing is that caring for someone, being aware of where they’re at is a big part of me feeling integrated anyway. The aftercare process or the “How was it for you?” and the process that I pull people through is very helpful for me in itself.
Then I think I don’t know how much more that the subs can do for me, but I do things for myself and especially connecting with other tops. I think that is probably my biggest source of grounding and reintegration to hear the perspective of other people who are coming at it from where I am and seeing how they’re navigating it as well and understanding that it’s a difficult reality for all of us.
Danielle Blunt:
Definitely. Yeah. I feel like the femdom community is so helpful and supportive for that, for those shared experiences or something feels weird or goes wrong to be able to share that information and support each other. I found what you were saying about the support that you received from your submissives while you were going through your divorce to be really powerful in this vulnerability.
Something that I’ve found in my practice is that subs are not always up for that task. I think it has to do with the fetishization of dominance versus being in D/s dynamics. I’ve definitely experienced both those who are capable of supporting me through crisis or life changes and those who are not able to. I think space and intentionality is a really big part of successfully navigating those shifts in any relationship, and maybe particularly a D/s dynamic.
But I think that there’s something about going through life changes or crises where some types of submissives who’ve fetishized dominance see it as you coming down from this pedestal that they may have put you on that you never really consented to climbing up to in the first place. I find that really beautiful that you were able to receive that support from your core group.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. I have a good group now. We’ve been together, maybe on average, three years, four years. People have fallen by the wayside, and those people were just not compatible or able to be there in a reciprocal way. These have just lasted the distance. Maybe they will not, people can drop off, but for the most part, they went through a hell of a process to get to where they are at of being around me even. They’re good people.
Danielle Blunt:
It’s definitely an investment to be in a D/s relationship, especially a 24/7 high-protocol D/s dynamic with elements of total power exchange. It’s definitely not for everyone. I think something… Oh, go ahead.
Mistress Eva:
No. No, I was just agreeing.
Danielle Blunt:
It’s definitely not for everyone. I think I go back to this idea of a lot of hobbyists or the people who want to see every domme and that’s what they’re into. They’ve never really gravitated towards me. I wonder if maybe that’s your experience, too.
Mistress Eva:
I still get those applications like, “Why do you want to serve me, Mistress Eva?” “Because you are beautiful,” things like that. “Thanks.” The applications process weeds them out.
Danielle Blunt:
It’s the best weeding process. I have on my application, “When was the last time you cried?” which I feel to be the most helpful. I get really interesting responses on it. It’s very diverse range. I feel like it helps me understand how in touch they are with their emotions or, if we are doing an intense scene, how… If someone says they haven’t cried since their father’s funeral 10 years ago, I will maybe be a little bit more generous in how I’m reading them versus someone who’s very much in touch with their emotions and has a regular crying practice, which I always recommend.
Mistress Eva:
What’s a regular crying practice look like for you?
Danielle Blunt:
I think I told you this. The last time that I cried, I was doing mushrooms and thinking about how hot I was. If I was filling out my contact form, it would have been like, “You’re so hot,” and I would have not seen myself. I think just making time to sit in practice with your… I’m actually thinking of maybe making this into a submissive task, having people have regular practices where there is the opportunity for crying, where it’s an outcome that can be welcomed rather than expected.
I had a scene where someone really wanted to cry and I find that really hard to… I try and explain to folks I’m not very outcome-oriented other than in protocol and how I want my relationships to look. But I think just focusing on the outcome of wanting to cry, just focusing on coming can make it more evasive and more difficult. Whereas if you’re just open to the experience and whatever outcome comes from it, it’s much more likely to happen in my experience.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. When you were crying about how hot you were, what emotion was driving that? Do you remember?
Danielle Blunt:
I think I went through periods during the pandemic of feeling very disembodied and not very living in my body, and it just felt like this point of radically feeling like myself and in my power and very grateful for that experience of getting to inhabit my body and my power.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. Love it. Have I cried over how hot I am before? No, I think that needs to be an exercise.
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah. Maybe you should practice.
Mistress Eva:
I cry at lot because of beautiful things, like little beautiful things.
Danielle Blunt:
You’re very beautiful.
Mistress Eva:
Little things in nature or when people are singing or dancing really beautifully, then those things trigger tears.
Danielle Blunt:
It felt very much aligned with that. Seeing a beautiful lighting also gets me. It either makes me calm or cry. We don’t know which will happen.
Mistress Eva:
Great. Like a little sliver or something that’s coming through a building or something.
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah, little sunbeams. Good lighting is important.
Mistress Eva:
So sweet. It’s a very rich life.
Danielle Blunt:
It really is. I feel like I’ve gotten to experience so much that I wouldn’t have, and not even in the travel or the beautiful things, but really getting to go deep in people’s psyches and explore really intensely with them one-on-one. I have my bachelor’s in psychology and was thinking about going back to school to become a practicing psychologist, and I was like, “My license would be taken away in a week.” What I’m interested in is so much more somatic. I love when my submissives… Part of being in a longer-term D/s dynamic with me, I have people see kink friendly therapists. I find it very helpful for them to have a space to process our relationship, especially because a lot of people might not have community to do that with and I don’t-
Mistress Eva:
Right. Yes. Often, that’s the first time for a lot of my submissives and it’s such a radical form of relationship. Because I think in a lot of vanilla scenarios, there’s not as much talking, there’s not as much truth, there’s not as much negotiation. I think it’s so much that opens up when you’re in a structured BDSM, D/s dynamic.
Danielle Blunt:
I’m a professional dominatrix, but I’m not a therapist.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. It’s very heavy to carry that role also. I think a lot of us, since we’re in caring roles, it’s what we tend to gravitate towards. I’ve definitely over the years had to check myself to make sure that I didn’t carry that role as well. It’s like, “I’m a partner and you need to look after your shit, too.”
This is something that really came to me from the divorce especially, because I am somebody who’s always checking in. Like, “Are you all right? What is it that you need? What is it that you want? Are you feeling fulfilled? Is this okay?” I do that consistently, and I could tell that my ex didn’t fully express everything and was very stunted when it came to that.
Now I’m thinking of that, totally forgot… Oh, yeah, but then when everything fell apart and it was his decision to remove from it, and he did it in a very non-collaborative way, it was heart-wrenching for me because I thought, “What the hell did I do? Because I was trying to be there all the time and check in and make sure everything was fine and where’s your head at and how are we?” Then I blamed myself. That has been such a good experience for me because it showed me that I tried as hard as I could. At the end of the day, even though they’re in a more submissive position and role and personality, there still needs to be some accountability.
Danielle Blunt:
That collaboration that you’re talking about, there are so many ways to have relationships, and I love how you use the word collaboration as a really big part of that. A bunch of my friends are psychologists and psychoanalysts, and I’m always chatting with them. Actually, I’ve had a few, they’re on my YouTube channel, but a few conversations about BDSM thematics and a large conversation about countertransference and countertransference between dommes and their clients because it was something that I was seeing come up a lot.
I’ll just give a really shitty definition of transference because I don’t have it off of the top of my head. But it’s a process in therapy where the client is projecting things onto the therapist or the therapist is maybe projecting some things from their personal relationships onto the relationship with the patient. Especially because I do a lot of very hard mommy stuff, I was noticing a lot of people’s mommy issues being triggered and being projected on me. This goes back to what I was saying about being put on a pedestal where I was very hyper-attuned in a scene and very aware and to a point where people are telling me that I can almost read them better than they can read themselves at certain points in a scene.
But that’s not a level of attunement that is capable to happen all of the time. It was moments when I needed rest or needed space that something as small as that as a basic human need would trigger something in someone, where I felt like I just did not have the capacity to navigate it because it seemed like they’d completely regressed into a state where I was no longer their domme, no longer this person, but was, in some cases, their mom who was either abusive, or just no mother is capable of perfect attunement at all times. I think there are lots of attachment ruptures that come from needing perfect attunement as a child.
Someone once told me it takes very little to traumatize a child. I think that’s very accurate, and especially when we play with attachment in these ways. I think it’s something that I’ve definitely noticed and created new boundaries around of… because we are these very caring types and it’s like, “Oh, I know what you need to do, but also I’m not a therapist and there are other professionals that you should be seeing in conjunction with some of the work that we’re doing so that I don’t feel the need to do it and know that you’re getting that support.”
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. There’s a dynamic that’s unequal, but there’s a responsibility and there’s a personhood that needs to be equal.
Danielle Blunt:
Do we need a personhood to destroy someone’s ego? There has to be a person there before you can fucking tear them down.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah, into a better person.
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah, in my vision.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. That’s a pretty good vision.
Danielle Blunt:
Pretty good vision. Yeah.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Transference, but is that not just how we navigate the world in general, of being aware of that? The triggering thing and the expectation of the relationship thing. I have a friend who’s going through a separation now, and he’s really concerned about his child and how the child will respond to the breaking up of the home. I don’t know where it came from, but I said something… and he was really upset that he was going to disappoint such an innocent thing. It’s unavoidable. The more that you protect, the less they’re going to be able to navigate the world. It’s only about how I think you come together again. This shit’s going to happen, but it’s like, “How do we process it together?”
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah, and the opportunity for repair. One thing that the therapist said in that interview was that rupture is inevitable, but repair is possible, is something that I held onto in my relationships. How I negotiate scenes has shifted. I try to incorporate “What do we do when something goes wrong?” into the conversation with people that I’m playing with long-term, because I feel like it emphasizes the fact that something is likely to go wrong at some point because we’re two different people with different experiences and no communication is perfect.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. It’s shocking sometimes to come across people who have such terrible conflict resolutions.
Danielle Blunt:
Truly.
Mistress Eva:
How do you go through the world? How do you expect that you’re not going to fight with somebody or find a disagreement that’s really painful? Where have you been? I recently multiple times let go of somebody who navigates the world like that, just avoiding, hiding.
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah. The avoidance or the disappearing or retreating rather than facing what has happened.
Mistress Eva:
And feeling the bullshit. Just too weak, I guess. Not brave enough yet.
Danielle Blunt:
Truly. I think that is a part of it. It definitely takes bravery. I think it is also a skill to be developed of how to-
Mistress Eva:
How to slowly open up into feeling those sore points. The majority of the people who I see are now, because of the tributes that I ask for, they tend to be much older. They had families. They’ve probably been through a divorce or two. They’ve been working for a really long time. They’ve traveled a lot because that’s how they have to keep up with me. It’s just a specific kind of persona, person. I think that that probably helps them also. Just they’ve had to learn a lot of resilience, because I really believe the people who have stuck with me and who I see regularly and who fight to be with me, they’re so adaptable and strong and it’s very admirable, I think.
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah. I think that thought of resiliency is something to look for in a submissive, and adaptability and that fighting to be with you has definitely always been the submissives that I’ve grown closest to who are willing to make concrete changes in their life to explore this dynamic together because the dynamic is so generative and collaborative and something that is deeply missing from their life without having that.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. I think I’m doing that also. I think I’m further along the line because I’ve been doing it selectively for so long, so I don’t maybe feel like I have to change so much. But I think on the level, it’s just what happens.
Danielle Blunt:
I think it’s definitely a privilege to be able to be selective with who you see and a privilege of building a career and marketing in order to manifest those types of dynamics. When I was no longer doing regular hourly sessions in a dungeon that I was renting, and I didn’t have the financial need to do that anymore, the caliber of the people that I was seeing were so much more aligned because I could say no to… Right now, I’m saying no to 95% of the inquiries that come my way because they’re not interesting to me and it’s not worth my energy to invest in that. I think that’s really the truth of what makes what I do so enjoyable right now.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah, that you’re playing on your terms rather than playing for money, which is fine. But it definitely shifts the relationship to that time within yourself, and it’s more energetically generative, I believe.
Danielle Blunt:
Definitely. Yeah. Very built on reciprocity, I find to be my favorite D/s dynamics, where seeing someone so fulfilled from their devotion and surrender and submission to me, I find to be such a beautiful way of relating to people, and very rare.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah, the gratitude. I asked that, actually. I saw a sub of mine the other day, and he was just saying goodbye and I let them hug my legs goodbye sometimes. I think because I felt so grateful for him in that moment, I said, “Do you feel like I’m grateful for you?” I think it’s very important, or at least it felt like it.
Danielle Blunt:
That feels important that-
Mistress Eva:
They understand that also.
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah, and that it’s flowing both ways. It have always been my most interesting dynamics where there’s-
Mistress Eva:
It’s not just a financial… This is here-
Danielle Blunt:
That that’s hot and great, but I think that there’s much-
Mistress Eva:
It’s different, though. I know that we have a shared thing around fetishists as opposed to people. I think fetishists are fabulous. But when it comes to play, personally, I do prefer if there is also a power dynamic where I… because of however I’m structured. I don’t know. Just thinking about all the fetishists, now I’ve totally forgotten.
Danielle Blunt:
You’re like, “Fetishists are hot, and also if you want to play with me, there needs to be that.”
Mistress Eva:
I just like the latex.
Danielle Blunt:
I saw that latex. No, I feel the same way. I feel like something is really missing from play for me when there’s not that D/s dynamic. Also, why I state that playing with brats is a hard limit of mine, it’s because I don’t want to take something from someone. I want someone to give it to me because I know what I want and how to articulate that.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. It’s interesting. I try to talk to brat tamers to try to understand, but I just can’t. I just don’t-
Danielle Blunt:
I don’t have the time.
Mistress Eva:
Because some of my closest friends are really into just difficult little shits and just drives me mad. I’m like, “How? Why?” They’re like, “I really like it. I really enjoy it.” That’s the full stop. It’s like, “Okay.” I accept, but I still have not processed it. Have you processed what the variation is, what the difference is?
Danielle Blunt:
I feel like I know why I don’t like it, but I don’t know why people like it. I guess I think people like it because there’s an element of consensual non-consent to it, which also isn’t something I super enjoy. A brat doesn’t want you to do something to it, so they act out. Maybe they like punishment, which is one of my other questions I have, is we’ve talked a little bit about how we utilize or don’t utilize punishment in our D/s dynamics. I’m curious if you wanted to talk a little bit about that. I feel like brats are like, “Punish me,” and I’m like, “Why would I positively reinforce negative behavior with something that you want? That’s not how behavior modification works.”
Mistress Eva:
Yeah, because I don’t think they necessarily want behavior modification.
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah, which is why I don’t play with them.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. I’ve only toyed with one brat over the recent period of time, and it flares up this anger in me and this wonder as to how dedicated you are to me, and those are not okay triggers for me. I like to really feel like people are there for me. I’m very clear in how I am there for people and it’s very easy. I guess maybe people enjoy that tension or something.
Danielle Blunt:
I think so.
Mistress Eva:
Just not into that kind of tension.
Danielle Blunt:
It’s like two sadists into heavy D/s 24/7 dynamics theorizing why people like brats. I apologize for any anti-brat rhetoric that is present in this. I’ll add a trigger warning at the beginning.
Mistress Eva:
You can chat to a brat tamer.
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah.
Mistress Eva:
That could probably be very interesting-
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah.
Mistress Eva:
I’ll sit in the background with Frankie and listen. But how do I do punishment? It depends. We’ve chatted a little bit about this, but when it’s an acute thing that I need to deal with right now because we have to do something after, so they really fucked up, but our relationship needs to go on for the evening, and I can’t deal right from you, I. An example would be… Actually, this was a very structured scene that wasn’t out of it, but there was a point in time where one of my subs was dating on the dating apps, but doing it in a really, how do you say, not a very invested way, it was very-
Danielle Blunt:
Fuck boy.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. In a very fucked… and I was not happy about finding out about that. I did a discipline scene around the numbers that he was engaging with and how many days since I… because I drew a line that he needed to improve on that, as well as the date that he went on and all of these things. I structured things around that and I chose different implements for the variation of my feeling. I also made sure that each section was understood for what. That was a very deliberate process, but sometimes it’s a little bit more short form just to get the rage across, bring back the equilibrium for me, and then I can keep going with you. That’s how I do it sometimes.
But my preferred is the behavior modification route, not necessarily using corporal. It’s more “This is how I’m upset, this is why, and these are the things that could change to make sure that this does not happen again. Maybe these are your motivations, and what are we going to do about that? I need you to do something about that. Here’s the line, and I need time away from you and your bullshit, basically.”
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah. That’s always been my MO, is space. It’s like, “If you don’t come correct, you don’t have access to me. I’m taking away access.” It’s so interesting. I feel like I’ve learned so much from training Frankie from doing dog training about punishment in D/s dynamics. Something that my trainer talks a lot about is the difference between a consequence and a punishment. It’s very different with dogs because you have a one-second window to provide a correction where they understand that whatever is happening, like a hiss or something like that, a stomp, that they understand that that’s correlated with a behavior that you don’t want to see repeated again. It can be very, very effective.
But if he was to do some bad-boy behavior and then we were to come home and I were to do that, he would have no idea what it was about, and then it becomes punishment where it’s more about what my feelings are about the situation. I try and be very aware of that, of what is because of this person and their actions and what is because of what it brought up for me.
One punishment that I did, which was more fun, there wasn’t any anger behind it, but a submissive had a bedtime, a little that I was training had a bedtime. We were planning an in-person session, and they had to tally up every minute that they were late for bedtime once the alarm went off on their phone. Then for however many minutes they were late, they would have to sit in corner time for the beginning of our session.
Really, there was also a huge incentive to not fuck up. They overall did a really, really good job in maintaining what we had said and the punishment feeling like in relationship to what had happened. But I’ve never really been one to do corporal punishment as actual punishment, just because I found that I play a lot with masochists and they like it, so then they’re getting something out of it. I don’t want to incentivize brat behavior, but I think punishment for me looks like lack of access and taking away access or different parts of myself that I’ve shared until you earn it back because I want to incentivize better behavior rather than-
Mistress Eva:
You shouldn’t have what is precious to us. Our time and our energy and focus on you is so valuable to me, and therefore, I will take away the thing that is so precious and that takes so much energy from me. It’s just, I guess, what is precious to us.
Danielle Blunt:
It is. How do you navigate having intense conversations when things come up in 24/7 D/s dynamics or just when you’re playing with power exchange in relationships where I always try and be aware of being receptive to feedback to see if there was a place that I fucked up with not being the “I’m always right and incapable of flaw” style domination? But I’m wondering if there are any things that you have to share about navigating conflict in that capacity, or if someone were to think a punishment was unfair or if they didn’t think what they did was bad or they just aren’t on the same page as you are.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. That comes back to how often I check in. I check in so often. After we go to this and if I sensed a little bit of tension or if I sensed a lot of joy, it’s just how was that experience for you? Why do you think you felt that about checking in, making sure that we are on a similar page? How do you think I handled that? What did you feel about my anger then? What was it like to see me annoyed or however? For me, it’s just about communication. Just keep an open dialogue. Because there’s such structure, a lot of the times, even now, some of my long-term subs and slaves are confused about how much they can express. It’s really about me creating that space so that they have the ability to-
Danielle Blunt:
Frankie. Frankie. Sorry. I was determining if Frankie was having the hiccups or the seizure, but he was sleeping. I’m back. I’m back.
Mistress Eva:
Seizure sleeping.
Danielle Blunt:
He was hiccuping in his sleep, and it was very confusing. Can you finish up that last thought?
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. I think it’s just about making sure that because it’s such a heavy protocol environment and such a disciplinarian and almost authoritarian environment, how I tend to communicate and practice, a lot of the times, they don’t feel like they can just spontaneously say something. Actually, they never feel like they can spontaneously say anything. It’s really about me creating the space for that, whether that’s spotting something and asking about it, whether it’s giving them the time to process and then coming back and asking about it, whether it’s telling them to write something down so that they don’t have to feel like they’re saying it to my face and it’s so confronting for them.
Danielle Blunt:
Very helpful. It is a lot of power and responsibility, though. I always try and remind people that they can say something at the appropriate time. But I also try to be aware of what about the power dynamic might make it more difficult for someone to say something if something comes up, which also I feel like necessitates almost this hypervigilance on our part. I try and counter that with creating spaces for people to share feedback, because I would like to learn and grow, too.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. Yeah. I think that those are the only practices that I can do, because as much as you want to say, they just don’t. It’s just not how it fits for me and them. It’s creating those spaces, asking, trying, and them also understanding. I guess now I also integrate… Because how I mentioned going through the divorce last year and understanding responsibility and self-ownership, I think that I also try to integrate that a little bit more. I maybe want to do that even more so that at the end of the day, yes, I’m running this, yes, I’m creating these spaces for us, but also it is your responsibility, too, and if you’re unhappy in any way and you’re not communicating that when I’m giving you those opportunities, it’s not on me anymore.
Danielle Blunt:
Right. I think that’s a huge lesson that I’ve also come to throughout it. It’s like you can’t be responsible for someone else’s responses. Just because being in a D/s dynamic, I feel like it adds perceived barriers to communicating with your dom. I feel like most doms I know are super open to respectful and thoughtful feedback. I hope that anyone that I play with, if I do something that actually hurts them in a way that goes beyond the context of our relationships, that they feel like I care about them enough that they would let me know so that I wouldn’t do that thing again or that we would be able to discuss it.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. I think that’s just the nature of having a good exchange.
Danielle Blunt:
Yeah. It’s really all the things that we’re talking about of what we look for in D/s relationships and in 24 7 D/s dynamics, what healthy communication looks like in a vanilla relationship, too, or in any relationship, even if it’s not romantic or sexual. I feel like these are skills that we as a society are so lacking in and so need practice in that we’re just all learning and growing together as we figure out how to communicate what our needs and our boundaries are.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. Yeah. I really thoroughly more so learned that from the dungeon.
Danielle Blunt:
Same.
Mistress Eva:
Yeah. I didn’t know how to do that at all prior to that. It’s just everything lives in fear of abandonment and wanting to be perceived a certain way. I love how that’s been able to drop away within the community that’s so supporting of variations of personality and how people can interact, and the protocols that our elders have established for us in terms of negotiation. It’s been such a useful experience.
Danielle Blunt:
Those structures just aren’t present in how they’re modeled for us by caregivers or what we’re taught in school or how we’re interacting in non-D/s dynamics. It’s not that abuse doesn’t happen in D/s dynamics, but I think there is a model for much more comprehensive communication and conflict resolution. The structure and the protocol provides us with so many opportunities to communicate and get in touch with what we want and what we feel and what we need so that we are offering our partner a chance to meet those rather than just never know what they are and always be unsatisfied.
Mistress Eva:
And maintain a full sense of peace, sense of teetering on the edge.
Danielle Blunt:
Never threatened. Thank you so much for chatting with me. This is always so lovely to chat with you. If people are looking for you, where could they find you?
Mistress Eva:
I’m in all the places that you will please me.
Danielle Blunt:
Perfect.
Mistress Eva:
That’s Instagram, Twitter, et cetera. Then if you wanted to find out more about my interviews and my writing and this kind of thing, it’s Eva-Oh. However, if you wanted to serve me in any capacity, it’s youwillpleaseme.com. We could take it through these courses that could teach you more about who I am and give you more of a chance to approach in a respectful fashion.
Danielle Blunt:
Approach correctly. I am @MistressBlunt on social media and mistressblunt.com and on OnlyFans @MistressBlunt. I still have all those handles on those platforms.
Mistress Eva:
Fabulous.
Danielle Blunt:
So far, so good. Wonderful. Is there anything else you wanted to share?
Mistress Eva:
No. Let’s go for dinner again soon.
Danielle Blunt:
Perfect. I’ll see you then.
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